Over 1/3 of people who are divorced, or considering it, cite a lack of sex as a key problem in the relationship.

There’s a whole host of reasons that passion and intimacy fall by the wayside. Physical issues on the part of men and women can cause a lack of desire. Many people stop having sex once children are in the picture. And for some sex becomes routine and boring. But living in a sexless marriage is harmful to the relationship and both spouses will feel rejected and hurt. Once the physical intimacy starts to crumble the chances of everything else falling apart increase.

We know that chores, kids, finances and so on can put a damper on the romance. A bunch of little things add up to lackluster intimacy, or no intimacy at all. But sex is a key component of a healthy marriage! It is critical for a happy relationship to be both emotionally and physically intimate with each other.

Here’s a few tips on how to keep the fire alive:

1) Communicate

We know, you hear it all the time. But it really is important to all aspects of a relationship! You are more likely to desire your partner physically if you are connected to them emotionally. Make time to talk about your hopes and dreams and what you love about each other. It’s much easier to connect physically if you feel an emotional connection.

2) Talk about what you want

You’re adults. You have turn ons and turn offs. Tell your partner what they are! If you are enjoying something in the moment, then express that. If you don’t like something, just say it. Talk to your spouse later on about what you loved. You never know, bringing it up again may lead to more sex.

3) Expectations & Compromise

It’s important to tell your partner what your expectations for sex are. This isn’t a time to be critical, but a time to express what you want. So much rejection and hurt can come from unmet expectations, but if your spouse doesn’t know what you expect they probably won’t fulfill your needs. Also remember to compromise! If you have drastically different opinions (ex; one of you wants it 3 times a week and the other wants it 3 times a month) then you are going to see some unmet expectations. You both need to come to a compromise that works for everyone.

4) Make a plan

Life is busy with work, kids, and hectic schedules; you may feel like you don’t have time for sex. If that’s the case we encourage you to make a plan for it. Block off at least 30 minutes (we always encourage more!) on your schedule to be intimate with each other. Put it on your calendar, you may think it’s weird but there’s a good chance that just seeing it on your calendar will get you more excited.

5) Initiate

That means both of you. It’s not a job specifically for one spouse, but something that both of you should be doing. You don’t have to say yes every time but remember that rejection is painful for everyone.